The Day Link became a Man and took a Darn Bath
by Hikaru Morinaga
Summary: Soap is eviler than Ganondorf. Plants are dying, and people are puking. Why? Because a certain boy in green with an oddly shaped hat doesn't bathe. What? He's got more important things to worry about! Slight ZeLink near the end.


**The Day Link became a Man and took a Darn Bath for once**

**Author's Note:** Ooh yeah...part THREE of the "The Day Link became..." series! For those of you who don't know, "The Day Link became..." series is a series of parodies. Most of these parodies poke fun at clichéd ideas the badfic writers of the fandom come up with. Part three deals with the fact that, contrary to the fangirl's belief, Link does not smell like Jasmine, or the rolling green hills (even though Hyrule Field doesn't have hills) of Hyrule Field, or Roses or Axe Body Spray; he smells like monster gore, blood; is greasy, grimy and filthy; and no, his hair is not silky. His hair is greasy and all tangled and crap. Sheesh.

I do hope you fannits know that back in the Middle Ages (the time period Zelda takes place in) only Royalty had daily baths. Commoners didn't even have a weekly bath for god's sake. Link wouldn't be very clean.

So yeah, story time!

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Zelda was waiting in the courtyard for him. They had an appointment at around noon, and so far, Link was late by five minutes. Zelda wiped her hands on one of her thousands of petticoats and squirmed in her seat. The stone bench was not very comfortable, one could imagine, and her royal bum was yelling at her to stand up and do something else while she waited. At last she heard the hooves of a horse (as opposed to a boar or a mule) coming down the cobblestone walkway and come to a sudden halt. Once the dust cleared from the sudden halt, she saw that the rider was a young man (not a woman, as many people might believe), who was older than thirteen but younger than twenty, get off the horse and walk toward her.

"I'm so sorry, I'm late Zel," the man said, a nervous laugh came from his throat (as opposed to his hands).  
"I had an emergency to take care of."  
Zelda raised an eyebrow; arms crossed under her bosom and retorted, "What could be more important than a meeting about what we're going to do about Hyrule's ruin?"  
Link crossed his arms, mimicking her.  
"'What could be more important' you ask? Someone was about to be eaten by Dindamned monsters, that's what."  
Zelda stood up and put her arms around his neck.  
"Well, I guess all that matters is that you're here." She led him into the Great Hall when something hit her (and no, it wasn't a ball or anything like that).

"Link?" she asked, dropping her skirts so that they dragged across the floor slightly.  
"Yes, Highness?" he replied, hands on his hips as he stopped beside her. "Is something the matter?"  
Zelda's face turned green and she turned away, hugging herself slightly, rubbing her hands against her arms."Something smells really bad...and it's coming from your direction."  
Link rubbed his chin.  
"It's not me, Princess, if that's what you're saying."  
Zelda moved towards the window and opened it, breathing in the fresh air from outside (as opposed to the inside).  
"Then what exactly is it coming from? My plants don't smell like dead corpses and blood, you know."  
Link blinked.  
"How do you know they don't? They could be man eating plants for all you know."

Zelda turned and faced him, arms once again crossed.  
"They're not man eating plants, you idiot. It's definitely you that smells."  
Link sniffed himself and his eyes watered and he wanted to puke. He, however, didn't show that and instead remained without expression, eye twitching slightly.  
"I don't smell anything."  
Zelda hmphed before pointing out that Link's eyes were watering, to which he replied "No, they aren't," and they got into an argument.  
"Link! You either take a bath or get out of the castle! Simple as that! Which is it going to be?"

Link shivered. Soap was the bane of his existence. It was eviler than Ganondorf.  
"But soap is evil!"  
Zelda blinked.  
'"...No, it isn't. Who told you that?"  
Link put on a Timmy Turner face and said, "Mido."  
Zelda glared at him.  
"You honestly believed everything he said?"  
Link shook his head.  
"I didn't believe everything. Otherwise I'd think that my balls were shriveled and his were huge."

Zelda turned towards the window again, shivered, cringed, eye twitched, and turned back to face Link with a smile on her face.  
"It's bath time, mister. It's not as bad as Mido said it was."  
Link clung to Zelda's potted plant.  
"I'm not going to take a bath."  
"Alright then, mister stinky. Fine. But when you get made fun of--"  
Link appeared next to her in a heartbeat.  
"Bath?"  
Zelda nodded.

"What's a bath?"  
Zelda fell to the ground, twitching.  
"You don't know what a bath is?"  
Link replied, "No. Didn't I just ask what one was?"  
Zelda got up, brushed herself off, and dragged Link off to her personal bathroom.

Zelda filled the tub up with nice, warm water until it was near the top.  
"I can't believe those girls who appear out of no where think you smell like roses."  
Link took off his boots, gauntlets, sword, shield and hat and set them down on a table that appeared five seconds ago and looked at her.  
"People think I smell like roses?"  
Zelda turned around, facing the wall and replied, "Yes. You can undress and get in the tub. I won't look, I promise."  
Link gave her a look, shrugged his shoulders and took off his remaining clothes.  
"OH MY JESUS!"  
Zelda almost turned her head but instead said, "Wait, who's Jesus?"  
Link thought for a moment.  
"I dunno."  
Zelda sighed.

"Anyway," Link continued, "OH MY DIN! JIMMY GREW!"  
Zelda's cheeks became beet red.  
"Jimmy?"  
Link replied, "Yeah, the thing in my pants! IT'S SO AWESOME!"  
Zelda started to feel hot and blushed even more.  
"Just get in the Goddessdamned tub."  
Link got into the tub and pouted.  
"I'm in the tub now, Zel..."

She turned around and blushed even redder now. She had never seen him shirtless before and her eyes wandered all the way to where his midsection was in the water--  
"Zelda? What are you looking at?"  
"Huh?" Zelda looked into his face, her face all flushed.  
"Your face is red."  
She hid her face behind her hand and got closer to the tub.  
"It's hot in here, that's all. Anyway, time to get you all nice and clean!"

She took a washcloth, put the EVIL SOAP OF SOAPY DOOM on it and began to wash his chest.  
'Oh Din, what is wrong with me?' she thought to herself and then to the wall as she got lower and lower until...  
"ZELDA!"  
She was brought down from her thoughts and realized what her hand was washing.  
Link's eyes were wide open, his face bright red, and his hands on her wrist.  
"Dude, I don't think you're supposed to have washed that..."  
Zelda was so embarrassed.  
"..." was all she could manage to say.

"You see, this is why I don't like baths," Link said, his breathing heavy, his hands still around her wrist.  
"Why?"  
"Because last time I had one, Ruto did the exact same thing."  
"...But I thought you didn't know what one was?"  
"I blocked it out of my memory."  
Zelda removed her hand from where it was on Link's body and started to wash his hair. It went from dirt blond all the way to its original golden blond in just a few minutes.  
"Eww," Zelda said, looking at the bath water, "It's all black."

"It'd be this color if you did my job."  
Silence.  
"Well now you smell nice," she said, getting a towel and opening it. She closed her eyes and said, "Get out of the tub and wrap this around your waist."  
Link got out of the tub, but didn't put the towel around his waist. Instead he looked at her, snickered softly, walked over to her and kissed her smack dab on the lips.

Zelda opened her eyes as soon as that happened and her arms immediately went around his waist so she wouldn't fall down.  
"See? Now I've got the towel around my waist," he grabbed onto her wrists, "and I'm all nice and clean."  
Zelda blushed and found herself leaning into his face.  
Link knew exactly what she was going to do and kissed her again.  
"Now you really smell like jasmine and roses," Zelda said and giggled, kissing Link again.

The lesson of this story? Link doesn't smell like jasmine or roses. He smells like...well...crap. And his hair ISN'T SILKY, DAMMIT. It's all greasy and grimy.

Fin  
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Author's Note: So, did you like it? Hate it? Want to praise it? Have a nitpick? Review it and tell me what you think!


End file.
